Miscarriage; A Club No One Wants To Be A Part Of...

This topic is one I have been wanting to blog about for a while but get emotional when I start thinking about it and what I want to write. Only people who have suffered a miscarriage truly know what sorrow and emptiness one feels. There is more than just the loss of the baby that is taken away from us. We no longer will have the same excitement we had when we first saw a positive pregnancy test. We are cautious, scared, worried, and paranoid every time we use the restroom for the entire first trimester or in some cases, entire pregnancy. It is hard for us to be extremely excited when others tell us they are pregnant because the idea of loss is all too real and WE know anything can happen. We know what "Angel Baby"(Baby that passed away) and "Rainbow Baby"(Baby born after loss) means. The joy of our entire future pregnancies are gone until we finally have our Baby in our arms. It is a club that no one wants to be part of but unfortunately, 25% of women are; including myself.

I feel that people never talk about their miscarriages therefore a lot of us feel alone and ashamed. I personally did not know how common they were until I suffered one. I certainly thought since I was in my second trimester that any risk of having one was gone. It was not until I went public with my miscarriage that people reached out to me and told me they too had suffered one, some two, and now have healthy babies. A few of my friends who I had not known were pregnant, shared with me their second trimester losses which are less than 1%. I actually know three other people besides myself  that had second trimester losses. No matter how far along a mommy is, it is awful.


I was in my second trimester, 18 weeks along and excited for our Baby Girl that was going to be due June 2nd, 2014. I had a typical pregnancy and the only symptoms I had were morning sickness. My cousins were in town so we did a bit of shopping and went out to dinner that night. When I came home, I felt a cramp that was pretty painful. I figured it was just my uterus stretching again so I ignored it and went to sleep. A few hours later, I felt the cramp again. It hurt so much that it woke me up. I got up, walked around, drank some water, and went back to sleep. I felt a couple more cramps throughout the night but ignored them since I was so tired.

We got up and went to breakfast the next day and those same cramps started to get stronger and closer together so I decided to call my doctor. She told me it sounded like I had a UTI and to take a warm shower and drink lots of water. I didn't see any blood and I even took my doppler out to confirm she still had a heartbeat, which she did, so I figured my doctor was right. I took a hot shower and still, the pain was getting stronger. I called her back again and she told me I could go to the ER if I am really concerned but at 18 weeks, it shouldn't be anything. At this point, I was curled up in a ball on my bed having the worst pain of my life. I toughed it out for another hour and told my husband, I need to go to the ER, something is definitely wrong. He said he wanted to take a quick shower and I decided to try to go to the restroom again. This time, as I was on the toilet, I felt a ton of pressure then "pop!" My water broke like a water balloon. I knew it was bad.

I called my doctor again and told her what had just happened. She confirmed to me that my water broke and that I should go to the ER and she will meet me there. I grabbed a towel, put it between my legs, said a prayer and we took off. After getting admitted, they ran blood tests,  took me to get an ultrasound and the doctor came and spoke to me. She said the baby was still alive, however, since my water broke, I only had a little water left to support the pregnancy and there is no viability for a baby under 24 weeks. She also told me my blood tests showed I had an infection and was starting to go septic. My options were to deliver the baby ASAP, (which she recommended) go home and wait for the baby to come out on her own (I could be dead by then) or wait until Monday to have a D&E (for second trimester babies.) I was devastated, sad, scared, upset, confused. How was this happening to me? I still hadn't even had a drop of blood at that point and all the cramping had gone away. Because MY life was in danger at that point, I had to do what the doctor said and deliver our precious Angel Baby. I was given some drugs to start the labor process again and delivered Olivia Rose at 9:00pm.

I will have to say, that process was one of the hardest things I have ever been through. Not only that day but BEING in Labor and Delivery and seeing and hearing other babies, leaving the hospital in a wheel chair without a baby in my arms, seeing the crushed look on my husband's and my parents faces, feeling alone and asking "why me?" This emotional roller coaster went on for months and still creeps up on me sometimes.

Afterwards I would run into people and they would ask how my pregnancy is going and I would have to inform them I was not pregnant anymore. Not only was it sad but awkward for them as well. Most people do not know how to react. If I could give any advice, I would say the best thing to tell someone is "I do not know what to say but I am here for you." Something like that speaks volumes. Just give them a big hug and say sorry. Don't feel bad sharing a story of someone who may have gone through it as well. It makes us feel less alone. I had some people tell me "It wasn't meant to be" or "Don't worry, you will have more." I HATED hearing that. I still do. I don't want someone essentially telling me that God chose to have me pregnant and just rip it away because it wasn't meant to be. It just doesn't sit right with me and never will. I didn't want people telling me that I would have more because it made me feel like they were not only dismissing my baby girl I just lost, but assuming I would have no problems in the future. How do they know? This was my first pregnancy. I didn't have ANY answers. My doctor said the baby looked perfect. The only answer I received after consulting with three doctors was "bad luck."

As you all know, we were blessed with a "Rainbow Baby" on Thanksgiving Day, 2014. That pregnancy deserves it's own post and is the reason I started this blog over a year ago. I hope my story can let some of you feel that you are not alone and others may have a little more insight of how difficult a loss can be.

Christmas Day 2014. This is how we were going to announce gender to our family and friends.

Beautiful box the hospital gave me with Olivia's handprints, footprints, and her hospital bracelet.

The beautiful flowers we received from our friends and family.
We will never forget those who reached out to us. 

XO